Rise and Fall
Well my long distance crush is fading fast. I suppose that’s what happens when you fall for someone you just met within a matter of days. The initial excitement is based upon this idea of them you conceive in your head. I only spent 3 days with him before I concluded that he was perfect for me and placed him upon a pedestal. But the guy I became so quickly infatuated with wasn’t real. I saw him as the male version of myself. We had so much in common after all. High off the thrill of meeting someone new, for a second I let myself think those romantic comedies marketed towards women could be real: that soul mates existed, that love at first sight and instant chemistry automatically meant something worth pursuing. But that’s not the case is it? I’ve never been one to believe in any of that and I’m getting to an age where I should know better.
I suppose what really bothers me is that I truly wanted to believe that he was a good guy. Maybe he is, he certainly has some good qualities. But the more I got to know him the more I saw him as a whole person and not an idealized fantasy. I feel like I’m a fairly good judge of character usually. Being an introvert makes me perceptive when in comes to people and social interactions I believe. I’ve built together a profile of him I think to be accurate:
He’s very intelligent, high achieving in anything he sets his mind to. He has intense focus but is also majorly ADD. This is why he has so many hobbies. He sets out to be the best in everything he tries, eventually losing interest when he discovers there will always be others better. He looks down upon those he considers dumber than him. He’s introverted and not overly sentimental. He looks for perfection in people. He has never had a relationship lasting longer than a year. He is comfortable being alone and has no problem ending relationships he has lost interest in. He has socially awkward tendencies, such as saying very random things, bragging off topic, and being withdrawn, but gets away with these things because he is attractive. He’s highly critical of others and spends a good portion of time in his own head. His thoughts matter more than other’s. He’s highly competitive, self motivated. He does a lot of community service, though I don’t think his motivations come from an entirely caring place. He sees it as another thing that makes him better than the general population. He complains about his girlfriend often to friends, bitches that she sulks when she has no real problems. He lacks empathy and doesn’t know how to respond when real emotions are shared.
It’s strange, but he reminds me of a guy I dated in college. That guy turned out to be bipolar and things didn’t end so well there either. Maybe it’s for the best then that my little crush has had such a short lifespan.
I have to admit I’m a little down. Not about losing him, cause let’s face it I never had him, but because it feels empty sometimes when you don’t even have a crush. There’s no one to think of to give you warm fuzzy feelings or a jolt of excitement when you receive a text from them. I’ve been so off since Coachella. The recovering period took longer than I thought it would. Weeks later, I’m just getting over my sickness. I haven’t been able to be as active or see my friends as much as before and that’s been bumming me out too. Hopefully this weekend will mark a return to some normalcy.
Sick
I haven’t really been in the mood to write lately. Been fighting off a cold all week and it took a turn for the worst Saturday. My eyes suddenly got all irritated and red and sensitive and my eyelids got kind of swollen. I flipped out and rushed to the eye doctor. Apparently my respiratory infection had gotten to my eyes as well. Doc prescribed me some antibiotic drops. I’ve been using them and my eyes are clearing up finally… BUT my throat seems to have gotten worse and it hurts to swallow. So I called in sick today and spent all day lounging in bed.
Being forced to stay in all weekend was throughly depressing. I hadn’t spent a Saturday night at home in 5 months. I couldn’t find anything good on Netflix and ended up watching The Expendables… which was terrible. Like I LOVE action movies.. but this movie was really really terrible. That was another factor contributing to me calling in sick today: I couldn’t handle the office cause I was bumming so hard about not having a real weekend. At least I got to catch up on my reading today. Been reading Cleopatra’s Biography and the scandal and murders in it are more ridiculous than fiction. I usually tend to get bored reading biographies, but the way the history and personal stories are blended keeps my attention.
I could get used to this taking it easy-ness.
On another note… Top search for the day leading to my blog: “how to edc with gym shorts.”
… What does that even mean????
Instant Chemistry
Well, I survived Coachella… though barely. It’s essentially taken me till today to recover. The past week at work has been a nightmare as I’ve had a ton to do but have barely been able to function. I did not sleep on Friday or Sunday. I barely ate all weekend cause I had no appetite and I felt like DEATH on Monday but it was still SO SO amazing.
So here’s the thing… I met a guy at Coachella… a friend of a friend. There was instant chemistry. We have a ridiculous amount in common. I can be as weird as I want with him and he just matches me. My friend tells me that we’re basically the same person and that talking to him is just like talking to me. We spent a good portion of Coachella together and hung out on Monday too before he left.
This is a huge problem because A) He lives on the other side of the country in NY and B) He has a girlfriend. I found out about her at the end of the first day we met. We had been kind of flirting but he never mentioned her. At the end of the night, my friend informed me he had a girl back home. The remainder of the weekend, he still never made any mention of her to me, though he brought her up with other people. He told my roommate that she was controlling and told him he couldn’t go to raves or party. Yet there he was at Coachella… After he went back home, we continued talking. He’s been texting me constantly everyday. I wake up to a text from him. He says goodnight. We chat all day on Gchat when we’re at work. After all these conversations, never once as he ever given the slightest hint of a girlfriend. Obviously he must know that I’m aware as he has spoken of her to my friends. It’s kind of awkward really.
The thing is, I’ve never fallen for someone this hard or fast before in my life. It’s scaring me a bit. I’ve never experienced instant chemistry before. Usually it takes me a bit to warm up to someone. I don’t get crushes very easily. I don’t know what to do about this. He’s coming back for EDC in June and we’re all going to be staying in the same house. I need to figure this out before then.
College Nostalgia
So last night I found myself back on my old college campus extremely nostalgic and kind of depressed. Every year my alma mater holds a concert called Springfest for the students. It’s free and on occasion they manage to book some pretty good acts. In the past I’ve seen Common, Gym Class Heroes, The Fray, etc perform on campus. Last night’s Springfest was Wolfgang Gartner and Anberlin. My roommate really wanted to go, so we recruited some old college friends and headed to campus.
First thought walking around the school: We’re so fucking old.
It’s only been 2 years since we graduated. How is is possible that all these students look like children?? To be fair, a large portion of the crowd was probably freshmen. I worried that we stood out. It felt so surreal.
My roommate and I strolled around the campus a bit. I keep pointing out buildings I used to frequent regularly (“Ohhhh that’s where I had all my higher division business classes… Awwww that’s the cafe I got latte’s from every day”). I didn’t realize how much I missed college. I missed walking to class with my headphones on. I missed meeting up for lunch with friends at the food court. I missed late nights spent exploring the campus and occasionally sneaking into closed buildings. I looked up at the newly erected student center and just remembered sneaking onto the site when it was still a construction zone 3 years ago with the guy I was dating. We climbed up to the roof of the half finished structure, looked up at the sky and made out.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and do it all again. I think I would have appreciated it more. I would have taken more chances. I would have studied abroad. I would have joined more clubs. I was so scared to put myself out there at times. It took a while for me to realize that it wasn’t the same as high school and that people weren’t as judgmental. And even if they were, who cares? There’s such a large student population that it doesn’t even matter.
So for those of you out there still in college: Enjoy it. Take advantage of every opportunity possible. Meet as many people as you can. Travel.
Pictures from Springfest:
Wolfgang Gartner
Tower on campus
The Awkward First Date
So I had my date on Sunday night with the 3D animator guy I met at a bar. I had forgotten how painful dating could be. Luckily, I’ve been refreshed on the matter. Prior to the date, we had chatted on Facebook a couple of times. We seemed to have some things in common though no instant chemistry. Still, I had hoped his personality would pop more in person. He picked me up and we went to dinner. There was nothing exceedingly awkward during the meal.. he was just so… mellow. He lacked confidence. He was funny at times but the delivery lacked enthusiasm. The meal basically alternated between awkward attempts at natural conversation and genuinely funny things he said. At that point during the date, I could see myself giving him a second shot but wasn’t feeling much chemistry.
Post dinner, he asked if I wanted to go grab a drink or take a walk or go smoke a joint he brought. Guess which option I chose? I didn’t want the night to be a complete bust. I figured it would be safe for us to go back to my apartment since both my roommates were home. We sat in the living room with my roomies watching TV for a bit. When they went to bed, I kind of wanted him to leave but couldn’t figure out a nice way to say it. I could tell he wanted to make a move on me but didn’t have the guts to do anything about it. I was becoming increasingly turned off by his lack of confidence. It felt awkward. I finally made up the excuse that I had to get up early so needed to go to bed. He didn’t seem enthused about leaving already and I tried to expedite the process by saying “…I’ll walk you out…” At the door, I gave him a hug. He didn’t move to leave. He wanted a goodnight kiss and was stalling. I was getting increasingly desperate to get him out the fucking door. I cave and give him a goodnight peck hoping that would be enough to satisfy his determination at getting this kiss. It works. He tells me he’d call me and leaves. Finally. The experience was cringeworthy. Most awkward end of date goodbye I’ve experienced.
Clearly the situation was awkward. At that point, why would you still go in for the kiss?? Cut your losses and leave. I honestly think if it wasn’t for that I might have given him another chance. But now, I just keep replaying that moment in my head and CRINGING at how painful it was.
He sent me a Facebook message the next day about how much fun he had. I haven’t responded. I think I might just ghost. I figure I don’t owe him an explanation after one date right?
Possessiveness
I’ve never been very good at the whole no-strings hookup. It’s difficult for me to separate real feelings from an empty infatuation based off of my own fantasies about a guy I don’t know very well. The whole situation with my hookup buddy, Frank*, for instance has thrown me through a bit of a loop as he was the first guy following my break up that I had a crush on and the only guy I’ve fooled around with. I thought at one point that maybe now finally I was in the right state of mind to have hookup buddy without developing complicated feelings. In this, I was only partially right. While I never developed any real feelings for him, I still felt jealousy and possessiveness at times. That night I saw him wrapped around a girl on the dance floor, for instance, I felt a sense of illogical possessiveness even though this was before we had done anything but make out. It also started to bother me that some nights, when our group of friends went out, he would pay attention to me and some nights he wouldn’t. This was despite the fact that I specifically told myself I shouldn’t expect or desire any special treatment from him as we were only friends. I wanted us to remain friends. I wanted things to never become awkward. But of course I naturally began feeling awkward internally when my baseless possessiveness arose.
My crush on Frank ended abruptly this weekend. A group of us went to Vegas on Friday night to see Cazzette DJ at XS. While we were all on the dance floor, I realized I was more focused on how Frank was acting towards me than simply enjoying myself. There was a moment when I paused and took a good look around me: there were excited dancing people everywhere. The lights were amazing. The music was great. There was confetti and streamers falling from the ceiling. I was surrounded by a group of friends. But my emotions wouldn’t let me be content in that moment. I couldn’t focus on the positives when I was too distracted by the lack of attention Frank was giving me and I hated myself for that. So I started thinking about why I had this crush in the first place and realized I couldn’t come up with a real reason. He’s fun, I’ll give him that. He likes to party. But I never really dug deeper into his personality. And so I let my crush go. I stopped viewing him as a potential and by the next morning my mood improved.
Last night, I realized I wasn’t alone in my illogical possessiveness. I was at a bar with a group of friends including my roommate, Anna*. In our group was a guy Anna had slept with a couple of weeks ago when drunk. He spent the night largely ignoring her and hitting on random girls. She confided in me at the bar that she was jealous and asked me if the girl he picked up was attractive. She already felt possessive of him after one drunken one night stand. It’s not logical, it just happens.
I need to be more careful in the future. I can’t let myself become confused and develop crushes on unsuitable guys just because I enjoy the attention they give me.
Pictures from Vegas:
Links
